dirty medical jokes

-those who understand binary, and those who don't. COPY JOKE. After the tremendous noise ceases, the intern uncovers his ears and shouts, "What the hell was that?" The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe., Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria Neilas often finds himself lost in making music, sim racing, watching movies, TV Series and playing video games in his free time. They tried to save him with an IV but it was all in vein. a licensed medical practitioner; "I felt so bad I went to see my doctor". Patient: Hey doc, are you sure Im suffering from pneumonia? Why did the computer go to the doctor?It thought it had a terminal illness. Antibody - One who hates his body . Patient: Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!Doctor: Try to block out the pain., Doctor: "I've got good news, and bad news. But wait, there's myrrh. Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away?Only if you aim it well enough! This is arealstory submitted to a Reddit board: 5. Vein : Conceited. To display your contact list, you must sign in: 90 Anti-Jokes So Serious They're Hilarious! Why did the ladybird go to the doctor?She had spots! Your daughter is using cocaine. Husband: The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.. While on the operating table, she came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak with God. What do you get if you cross a doctor and a lawyer? Doctor: "If that stomach was on a woman she'd have to be pregnant". They're usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable. "Man: "No way. 13 That Killed Him - Heartbreaking Tale. How did the doctor cure the invisible man? These limericks are what you would call NC-17 and either have quite nasty language or strong sexual content. You can call me metronidazole because I do great work below the diaphragm without needing air. ", Right before surgery the surgeon says, "Relax, Jim. Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB. Doctor: "We have good news and bad news for you, David. Another funny story published onsott.net: If you work in the healthcare field, you'll appreciate these jokes. During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then? 85. That's a huge miscommunication! Why did Santas helper see the doctor?He had low elf esteem. 10 Humerus Jokes for Allied Health Students. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died." Once the doctor entered the exam room, he started asking all the usual questions about symptoms and how long theyve persisted. Patient: Doctor, I am feeling much better now. You make my heartbeat like a drop of epinephrine. A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. She took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and told him to have a seat.A few minutes later, a nurses aid came out. We have to open you back up.Patient: Are you kidding me?! He complies, and moments later, the nurse comes back into the room with the results. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: However, while crossing the street on the way out, she was hit by a car and immediately died.When arriving in front of God, the woman asked, I thought you said I had another 40 years?! Dishwasher leak under tile floor; A doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes and then send a bill to her husband! Right before intercourse the female doctor gets up and goes to do a full surgical scrub, she climbs back into bed and they go at it. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog.Doctor: How long have you felt like this?Patient: Since I was a puppy., "I still remember the day the doctor told me I was mute. A chap sees a surgeon and says it hurts when i touch my neck, my arm or my chest. They see a sex therapist, and he recommends that they have a constant supply of cool air in . He said its just a pigment. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. Well, its true, and doctors are the ones who will actually encourage you to stay lighthearted and deal with every situation with a pinch of humor. ", Patient: Please help me! ", Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.". Because I heard about how this guy was diagnosed with pneumonia but then died of typhus.Doctor: No worries here, that wont happen to me. Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis POST. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person. ", A pirate goes to the doctor and says, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh. "If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons." ", The radiologist sees a duck, aims a shotgun, hits the duck, and turns to the group. Doctor, please hurry. ", Doctor: You have high blood pressure and amnesia., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!, Doctor: "I've got good news, and bad news. She called his name and asked him what he has while leading him to the examination room. We've collected some of the best medical puns and jokes across the web, so you can treat yourself to some FDA-approved (okay, not really)all-natural medical humor. Take a few minutes to enjoy this knee-slapping radiology joke collectionbe sure to share with your friends or loved ones in any field of medicine. It only costs $10." Here's your $1000 back." Put your Christmas gifts on sleigh-away. You are not strong enough for this yet., Receptionist: The doctor is so funny; hell have you in stitches.Patient: I hope not I only came in for a checkup., As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, Im going to give you a bracelet.Has it got rubies and diamonds? I asked.No, he said. Series: World Series of military baseball, Medical Staff: A doctor's cane I suppose he just had to be a little patient. By: Murad ( 0) ( 0) Dolly Parton just got a dose of her own medicine. What did the doctor prescribe to the man who couldnt stop breaking wind?A kite. During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then? Let's start with a few basics. Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im addicted to brake fluid.Doctor: Nonsense you can stop anytime., Patient: Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What do you call a retired military officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician? And your brother named them for you. Ooops! Doctor, please hurry. Here you will find the nasty and sexual limericks that we can't show on the main page. All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies. Whats the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what they treat. ", "I went to the doctors with hearing problems. What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again? I cant keep from yawning all day long.The doctor says, Well, I think its because youre two tired., A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem.The doctor asks, How often do you pass gas? and the man replies "10 to 15 times an hour. Why did the calendar have to visit the doctor?It had a terrible year-ache. ", "Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind. Hey Former Cult Member Pandas, What Made You Figure Out You Were In A Cult? 2. "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. You sent me a bill for $1,000. The doctor takes On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK. By queensland university of technology. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. With jokes about everything from mummies to zombies to pumpkins (and even some cheesy dad jokes), finding the perfect spook-tacular one-liner will be the least of your worries. Doctor: Mr. Not my brother. 2. Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian? Faced with such a brilliant response, we have no possible reply. Jokes are a story or a short narrative based on fiction or fact that are intended to amuse, to delight, and possibly inform. 'Because,' I replied, 'I've got tire marks on my legs. A dirty laugh borne out of a dirty joke will help you get by. Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Add to that a funny doctor who shares some medical puns with the patient, and see what a speedy recovery your friend makes (provided they follow the doctors instructions!). "Doctor: "The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe. He can't ask his patients what is the matter he's got to just know. Nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?" I cant stop my hands from shaking.. 6. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. Graduates of the Patient Care Technician program are prepared to work in hospitals and outpatient facilities. While these jokes may not help you find the perfect Halloween costume or rid your house of paranormal activity, they're sure to lighten the mood in even the most grave . Turns out the doctor is schizophrenic, and he is talking to his evil reflection. What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil? Patient: I always see spots before my eyes., Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.. 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I cant stop my hands from shaking.Doctor: Do you drink often?Patient: Not really, I end up spilling most of it., Doctor: "You are very ill."Patient: "Is it okay if I get a second opinion? Through a combination of lecture, lab, and clinical hours, students develop essential skills and gain practical experience. Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. '", 9. When Im not telling stories, youll find me studying foreign languages (currently, Korean), fangirling over my guinea pig Pepperboy, watching TV shows, and learning to play the drums. This is Gasoline!" "Doctor: "119". But I refused. What dont you want to hear in the middle of surgery?Wheres my watch?, Doctors son: Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.Doctors father: Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly., A skeleton went to the doctor.The doctor looked at the skeleton and said, Arent you a little late?. #77. "Your tap water is too hard. 6. What should I do?. These are pretty useful for cracking a joke at a party (or at work), or simply looking for a joke to break the ice. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple. One day, a woman walks into a doctors office.She has a cucumber in her nose, a carrot in her left ear, and a banana in her right ear.Whats wrong with me? she asks the doctor.Youre not eating properly, he replies. A new hybrid. Believe in your elf. The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. ", "I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me I lost 20% of my sight. That will be $500." I'm feeling a little off today. Why did the doctor laugh at the x-ray of an arm? 11 dirty jokes to laugh your heart out. You can read more about it and change your preferences, "Mom? He rushes to the emergency room to get help. I'm Jim. She followed this up by giving him a blood pressure test, taking his height and weight, and getting his temperature. Q: What is the difference between a Vitamin and a Hormone? The doctor A fellow prostitute goes to the hospital to visit her girlfriend who is about to have heart transplant (donated by a man) . Pilot left his microphone on. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot. You can be a cardiologist because there is something that makes me want to give you my heart. Nurse: Doctor, theres a patient on line one who says hes invisible.Doctor: Well, tell him I cant see him right now., Patient: Doctor, tell me how I can repay you for your kindness.Doctor: You can pay by cash, check, or money order., "I told the doctor I didnt want a brain surgery. A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionists desk at a doctors office. Catscan: Searching for kitty Why didnt Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? 82.44 % / 2043 votes. "Eventually," said the consultant, "she will rise and shine." (Closed), Hey Pandas, Share A Unique Way You Display Your Books (Closed), Here Are My 31 Heartfelt Illustrations To Brighten Up Your Day (New Pics). ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. Mercury is in Uranus right now. Patient: "Someone vandalized my house last night!". ", An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die? The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed. Dr. Young: "Aaagh! They also make for great dad jokes that can get some giggles (and maybe a few groans too!). Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. Let's take a look at our favorite short jokes for adults only: As far as dirty jokes go, we can safely say that size doesn't matter. 80-year Old Joke A Doctor And A Patient Joke Aids Joke Aids Or Alzheimers Joke Annual Check Up Joke Attorney And The Pathologist Joke A Young Doctor Joke Beautiful Joke Brain Reduction Joke Bubba At The Doctor Joke Cars Joke Delivery Joke Desperate Men Joke Diagnostic Computer Joke Doctor Parker Joke Doctor's Funeral Joke Doctors Joke "During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? ", "After my prostate exam, the doctor left. She will rise and shine.. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. It's just a small scalpel incision. Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk carefully by the pill cabinet? Or you just rocked my world?! I can't tell you that. Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.Doctor: How do you feel?Patient: A little down in the mouth.. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. Doctor, "Tell him I can't see him.". The vet interrupted him by saying, Look, Im a vet. Patient: 'Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?' Why did the library book go to the doctor? * "Jurassic Pig". What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in?Shadys back. -Literally. They were put in seperate examination rooms. Why did the doctor take a red pen to work?In case they wanted to draw blood! A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. What do you call a joke that isn't funny? Your dog has worms. Why did the turkey cross the road? What did the doctor say to the rocket ship? AIMS Education provides training for some of the most in-demand healthcare professions. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your urine. Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? Why did Dracula go to the doctor?He couldnt stop coffin! Have you seen all jokes? Medical Dirty Jokes. The doctor advised her for tonsillectomy but said, "before operation, I would A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. Here are even more adult jokes that are easy to remember. Submitted By: dr. hemantkumar | Current Rating: 4.5. A: You can't hear a vitamin. 80 short jokes and one liners! They started getting along really well they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink. ", "I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. Examination of genitalia has revealed that he is circus-sized. ", A pirate goes to the doctor and says, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh. What is a double-blind study?Two orthopedists reading an electrocardiogram. But he changed my mind. Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. What band was better than The Cure? 4. Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!" If I treat someone with pneumonia, he will die of pneumonia., A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up.His boss asks him, Jeez, what happened to your ears?Well, yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and I accidentally answered the iron.Well, that explains one ear, the boss replied, but what about the other one?I had to call the doctor!, A man having trouble with his vision decides to visit his doctor. The other watches your snatch. When he arrives at the office, the receptionist asks whats wrong.I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes, the man complains.Have you ever seen a doctor? she asks.No, just spots maam., One day, a veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. That look soots you. Speaking of dirty jokes, we have the ultimate stockpile of the dirtiest, raunchiest, and definitely, NSFW jokes for you. (of a nuclear weapon) Producing considerable radioactive fallout. Why did the calendar have to visit the doctor? Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away? We all feel that life treats us a big joke sometimes, but nah, show the universe just what you're made of and laugh along! Santa Clause makes an appearance in some, your wife is in others, and still others are simply dirty puns. That pulsation in my femoral sheath isn't coming from an artery. Whats the difference between bird flu and swine flu? You have tennis elbow. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Irish Jokes the doctor. "I recently came into a bunch of money.which is strange for me, I usually just use a paper towel . An experienced nurse doesnt wear a name badge for liability reasons. He asked, "Can you describe the symptoms?" Avoid heavy lifting. When the last young nurse said she worked as a nurse at an HMO, St Peter said, "You can go to heaven too." Why did the bucket go to the doctor?He had a pail face. Slow down girl, you're giving me a woodwind. "Doctor: "You now have a Tic-Tac toe. Error occurred when generating embed. ""She had good handwriting.". It's important to have a good vocabulary. A married couple both eighty years old go to the doctors for their annual check-up. "Oh yes there are 3 other doctors there already. What should I do?Take these pills, says the doctor. Because you're making me drool. David: "Doctor, he didnt hang himself. A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girls strange eating habits.All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. If you'd like to enjoy some more medical humor check out our10 Humerus Jokes for Allied Health Students. The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it." Jones, you may want to sit down. You know how they say that laughter prolongs life? Proof that punctuation saves lives. Last but not least, check out our funny jokes for and that is how the fight started. Why did the mattress go to the doctors?It had a spring fever. Tumor: More than one, an extra pair, Varicose: Near by/close by A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill. ", A doctor says, "The good news is it's all in your head. Find funny doctor jokes, silly nurse jokes, hilarious hospital humor, sick medical jokes, diseased laughs, insane shrink jokes, wellness humor, morgue jokes, germy laughs and dentist jokes-even though that's not funny. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic. What dont you want to hear in the middle of surgery? "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. He's an idiot! We respect your privacy. Here are all the best chicken jokes, just for you! ", A man takes his wife to get tested.Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.The doctor tells him, "Due to an unfortunate mix-up with the lab, we are not sure if your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer"The man, clearly frustrated, asks, "Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information? Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. ! the man goes, How could there possibly be worse news than that? A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. What do you get if you cross a doctor and a lawyer?Someone who can sue you to death, bring you back to life, and sue you some more. They aren't yours. Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! Why didnt Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?A cold never bothered her, anyway. If you'd like to enjoy some moremedical humor, one linersandfunny hospital jokes, be sure to check out our collection ofmedical puns. Doctors ask you where it hurts, but then put pressure on it. . They then bump it up to 20%. A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes. ", 5. "I don't find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? My arms are very tired. i have an imaginary girlfriend.. 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Why did the sperm cross the road? One day, a veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. Well, said the teacher, The first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The doctor says, "I see. ""I made a doctors appointment for 3:30 p.m. Let me in!". -"Eventually," said the consultant, "she will rise and shine.". "Doctor: "Of course! 10: You grow on people.so does cancer. Patient: Doctor, Ive swallowed a spoon.. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Who do you call when you need a doctor immediately?The nearest golf course. A woman went to the doctor complaining of pain all over her body. Jones: Oh jeez, I guess Ill take the bad news first.Doctor: The bad news doctor notes, is that I got your test results, and you have 24 hours to live.Mr. Christmas has me feeling Santa-mental. He's all right now. How do you know your doctor is a vampire? She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for? "Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen. Why did the doctor laugh at the x-ray of an arm?Because he found the x-ray humerus. "Doctor deeply sighs and says, "Denephew. Because you could ride my lightning. ", 4. Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor? Man: "It was, and she is". 2. The stranger says, "How about 20?" He needs an infusion whats his blood type? No reason to panic. "The surgeon responds, "I know. Me: Were they fast as lightning?, Patient: No, and it was scary, I thought they were gonna wreck my door. Some @$$#le has my pen! The next Doctor s What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Your arm is broke! The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer ", A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. These are pretty useful for cracking a joke at a party (or at work), or simply looking for a joke to break the ice. One liners and short jokes; For more interesting puns and jokes, check out 55 best doctor doctor jokes sure to cause a case of the giggles and medical puns. Doctor: "I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon.". Thorax: A Dr. Seuss character ""Yes, says the doctor. He said "It's just a pigment . Better than a quarterback sneak. Being blonde comes with tolerating a lot, from expensive toning shampoos to the constant pressure to live up to the saying that blondes have more fun. Returning visitor? Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor? We have to open you back up., A bicycle rolls into the doctors office. A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; He was able to change my mind. An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car. A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease. Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im going to die in 59 seconds!Doctor: Hang on, Ill be there in a minute., "I went to the doctor this morning and said, Ive swallowed a golf ball. The doctor said, Yes, I can see its gone down a fairway.", The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill. Is there anyone you would like to see?Yes, replied the patient faintly. Post Operative: A letter carrier, Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery ", What did the balloon say to the doctor?I feel light-headed.. ", 3. The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens." Source: tabloidindia.com Let's hit the road ladies and gents: #1. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. 11: I run faster horny than you do scared. "Woman: "Oh, that's actually a nice name. Morbid: A higher offer than I bid, Organ Transplant: What you do to your piano when you move He was a double-crosser. "Hello, Doctor," says the arm. Here are 20+ radiology memes certain to ease your stress: 1. ", A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife. Patient: Hey doc, are you sure Im suffering from pneumonia? Please give me your bill., Receptionist: The doctor is so funny; hell have you in stitches., As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, Im going to give you a bracelet.. Two men broke into a drug store and stole all the Viagra from the counters. What do you call a retired military officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician?General Ken OB. 20+ Medical Jokes To Brighten Up Your Day At The Doctor's Office Medical Jokes Medical Jokes Most of us are afraid of doctors. Shingles, he responded. A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting. It's a gateway tug. Red Blood Count: Dracula, Secretion: Hiding something Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?The hip consultant. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?He was feeling really crumby. Q: Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine? With that particular disease, theres no discomfort of any kind.Oh no! gasped the patient. A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it.. Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school. I havent heard from him since.". Jerry is in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.Im OK, but I didnt like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery, he answered.What did he say? asked the nurse.OOPS!, Doctor: I accidentally left my gloves inside your stomach during your operation. Dad: Don't be silly son, you were an accident. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. What's better than a cold Bud? The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-Tip, but it went in one ear and out the other. Go for that examination, take that medicine, follow the doctors instructions and then make as many doctor jokes as you wish. Where? he asked. What type of bird gives the best head? Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses.

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