my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family
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I began trying to save my marriage (in retrospect I had been trying for 4 years already) but my husband admitted he didnt want to make any changes to do the same which is when I realised I couldnt stay with someone who didnt care. But if constantly brings up old memories of him and his ex, thats a very bad sign. And its not giving you time to heal from the pain of divorce. I have No family loyalty to me, even worse my daughter. I went along with it because the day was about my daughter but inside the whole time I was like dude STFU. it is not normal to keep the ex in the family even if he is a nice person. I had no idea he was at my sisters everyday after he got off work and got so close to them and it really was to make me look bad and him good. When I have him he ALWAYS knows where he is and he knows I dont have anyone else around him. If your ex doesn't want you to stay friends with their family, it might be best to respect their wishes. (read about it) I went to her house a few years ago to find my grandson wearing a dress. If they want a relationship with your ex, then they should do that outside of family functions that should include you! Hes a writer on relationships, love and social psychology. It's a sign he's still emotionally attached to his ex-wife, and clearly, he's not ready to let those special memories go just yet. No ones saying you cant be fond of your ex son in law but sincerity should end the moment you realise he has been abusing her (as was the case with me). I do believe your family should be putting you first and it just sounds like a bit much with the time they are spending with him. Not one would stand for it if it were them. Suck it up, quit feeling sorry for yourself, quit being the victim and quit letting him have custody of your family. and could be described as abusive themselves? He might be afraid to commit. Hi there iam going through the exact situation and I dont know what to do my ex has my daughter and she has also contacted my whole family on our current situation and now none of my family which were my form of support has all turned there backs on me they wont even let me explain my side of the situation and what took place on have a couple of siblings that have contacted me about what she want them to say to me that she had talk with c.a.s and I have not once contacted her family what so ever. You have no ide what its like! That will make him think of his ex even more and only about the good/positive times with her. But his family invites her knowing full well that he and I dont want to spend time with her around. This is beyond cordial. To me, its not even important. I watched for almost 20 years as the ex and my family went on vacations, cruses No one has the right to determine who another person has in their life. All the years of my marriage I kept all the hurt inside, never told my family what was actually going on in my marriage, devoting my entire life to my kids happiness. My father always has said he didnt like my ex. They spend more time with him than with me as well. Your words above help.I need to resign that it will never get easier.but I too will never win a golf game with Tiger Woods and I will never win the manipulation game with my ex.so I dont play his game or anyone who wants to try to pretend that they are just trying to include everyone. This exact same thing is happening to me. A boundary should have been drawn a long time ago. Then her familys homes and gradually his. Whats worse is she never had a kind word to say about him while we were married. People only take what other people allow them to take, in interpersonal situations like this. Your email address will not be published. Its just me and my kids; and even them hes slowly turned them away from me! Staying in touch with an ex who abused you, cheated on you, lied to you and left you after twenty years is not ok. That is so damn insensitive. If they still choose to be friends with him, they have made a conscious decision whose side they are on. Most likely not he hardly sees his children basically he a babysitter to you!!! When I found out I gave him 30 days to move and take any furniture he might need. Although its been hard on my own, I made the right choice to have him out of my life. Let them know that being treated as if you are the Ex is inappropriate and hurts. We use your sign-up to provide content in the ways you've consented to and improve our understanding of you. Im so hurt and feel a real sense of loss. Blood or otherwise, treat me badly & I cut the ties. You see, I love my ex-wife and never wanted the divorce. Why cant your famiy see that you are distraught about how they handle things. Im still dealing with the bitterness particularly from my mother that she can not let go of. I have a similar situation. How could you ever even give to anyone anything positive until your own cup is full? I just want to give up and write them all off. He he is not doing anything wrong then whats the problem. And I grieve the loss of my nieces She is willing to cut ties with her own family, spend Thanksgiving (who cares what the kids want) all because she doesnt want to be around her ex. I still love my husband so very much. I feel desperate and every time I give my family opportunity to stand by me they fail to do the right thing. To my mind, we can be civil and cordial, well be attending their kids graduations and weddings, but.shes been invited to Christmas and Im upset for my brothers sake. My mom got the girls and brought them to my house and our couples weekend pretty much was ruined. My ex was invited to my nieces wedding ten years later & I was not. Never did she say he was abusive. The best way I can describe it is that shes like a 3rd wheel in our new married life. My ex husband called my job to try to get me fired, put nails in my tires, dated a friend of mine, and did many other awful things which my family is well aware of yet my mother still has coffee in his house and communicates with him behind my back. If your family likes your ex, why is that a problem? wtf? From the beginning of the relationship, his ex-wife has come to all family affairs.. Bless you. I almost lost my life to alcohol I lost my job, I got sick and was admitted into the hospital emergency ward. Thats contact. why did you breakup. I know im currently going threw this but i put a side the negative feelings for my ex because thats what mature adults do. If your ex doesn't want you to stay friends with their family, it might be best to respect their wishes. 6) He preens like there's no tomorrow. And when he was not in jail they would insist he be over for holiday dinners and occassions where our family would get together. My ex gave my brother a job and him and my ex are always together. I can understand if he was just a ex, but you have children together. Im struggling a lot and constantly thinking of cutting my partners too for what they are doing So yh, I can empathize with you and Im so sorry youre going through this I know its frustrating and saddening but theres nothing we can do. I felt there was manipulation as the motive, but I could not tell my boyfriend what to do. Not heard from some of them once in the 2.5 years since separation and NOT ONCE has anyone ever asked me what caused it. A few have since come aroubd sheepishly and Wowww the lies he told. Again Im told that her pain in her divorce is not different from my pain. Unfortunately the marriage just did not work. I feel so frustrated that I actually Google to see if I can get a different perspective about the current situation I find myself in. supporting them all) he's been doing on autopilot for the last 30 . My problem is that his ex-live-in lover is still invited to all family functions, and he even invites her to his house for events like the 4th of July, Thanksgiving, and even Christmas. He even seen the new baby in the family, and rubbed it in my face that I would never see that child. Accepting having your whole family choose your ex over you goes well beyond being mature. Its a form of abuse. I am sure you love them as I did mine and because you would never make them feel bad or not be there for them you presume they will do the same but not everybody has the same heart or courage as you or your best interests in mind. Those of us who have experienced this situation intrinsically know that it is NOT normal, natural behaviour of your own flesh and blood x. Bless your heart, your not alone. Leave the resentment at home and go be herself with them all. Who do you think you are? Well , my ex was not around so much because he was living a double life. when we first broke up, after a 10 year relationship my sister was there for him, I didnt mind as he does not speak to his family (they are all horrible people). When I finally got the courage to do it and was made homeless and had to go to a hostel with my children. You dont even know the other side. I feel betrayed and have lost any trust between my siblings and myself. He told off my mom. weddings, parties, family functions. why do you get so grouchy at him. Even as a manager at my place of work, My daily expenses is more than my in-come therefore subjecting my and my kids to hunger, and sometimes without internet and light went off. You have the power to do the same. One of the first big holidays after my divorce was Thanksgiving. I never regretted that choice. When I also looked back over these family relationships; I could see that they were nowhere near as reciprocal as the effort and love I put in. It broke my heart when my sister defriended me on social media and made friends with my ex. I have always been there for this sister, financially, emotionally and every way possible. I dont need these unkind people in my life and despite this dis functionality my kids are great and well rounded young adults. My sister invites him to all the family functions which means all my family. You dont have to be stuck in victimhood to decide that maybe its not worth it. Please let me share a couple of things with you. It is awkward at family functions when both of us are around. That would force the family to choose and they will choose the.one giving the option. Maybe you have to hear their side of the story, and accept it. I long for a family, it just my daughter and I. If someone leaves; the relationship was not healthy or working and often the person who stays is given undeserved sympathy and has a far easier time of it than the person who was brave enough to walk away and start again. They have a child together and his ex believes she has a right to be at family functions just for the fact that her son is family and because they had been together for so many years. Why why why would YOUR family think its ok to spend holidays (of all things) together! I agree completely that your family should respect your wishes of you not wanting to be around your ex husband all of the time and they need prioritize you being at family functions and events over your ex. He is a charmer and manipulator. Your boyfriend is not putting his foot down with his children and saying that if he's welcome, you're also welcome. I quit the team. I am so sorry for your loss. What sort of man deliberately engineers this kind of situation? I hope things have improved for you and everyone else who commented here with the same issues. The consensus of opinion here would suggest that this is the majority opinion. This sounds like the ex has gone out of his way to include himself in the family. But the family members that go along with this maybe unconsciously participating and then you just need to let go. They are grown now and we have, for the most part put that behind us. They talk to me about him like I want to know He didnt get that it wasnt okay to keep hanging out with my family. I dont get it, he doesnt get it. Where is any empathy or understanding to her feelings? He still had feelings for his ex. Id be super pissed. Still single, still playing the victim, still stuck in the same mindset still an abusive bully. They said they didnt wasnt to take sides but their supportive actions towards him over me showed that they clearly did and his victim stance and calculated composure reeled them in. I just dont get it.. my divorce was so difficult, why dont they mind their own business and leave my ex out? The result is that the family expects this and expects you to get along and make due with the relationships that you asked them to build. Please remember that none of these options have to be forever. He refuses to pay his share of health care costs, like dental work. To me its just plain unnatural and although it hurts you are well rid of people who think its ok to treat you like that xx. I have a very similar story. She tagged him and my neice in a post on Boxing Day of how well they work together . They do this even though they know it pains me. Do you think your family are perhaps lacking in emotional intelligence? If not, there should be no renewed friendship.. He said he should have done it years ago. I was excited until I learned that they were moving into a house five doors down from my ex-husband. You're also telling him that you don't fully trust him. I have told him that its painful for me to see her accepted as a member of the family and that he still has a close relationship with her. I really am. It is just plain weird for a mother to deliberately upset her daughter by choosing to over involve herself with her daughters ex husband and new girlfriend. He said I wouldnt understand. Plus, we all hang out a lot and he was able to see that my actions matched my words. Hes not interested in me because of his new life, and I dont really talk to him anymore. Your family is out of line. I totally understand where you are coming from! I think it is unreasonable to expect everyone in your family to discontinue all the relationships they have forged with your ex over (probably) years. This is child abuse if you ask me. Even going as far as making it clear that he wishes she could be included, offering to not be there etc. It makes me so sad that on top of hurting me so deeply directly, my ex also trashed my family relationship on the way out the door. The first half hour of any social interaction is her re-hashing bad blood, ancient slights, etc. I AM SORRY USING THAT WORD BUT IT IS TRUE. And move on! I no longer speak to my former in laws. This is so wrong. Yeah, hes still thinking about his ex. Nina and Toms sister are very close so I get her being over at their house and attending family events, but it makes me bitter how much they like her. He compares you to his, because hes still thinking of her. You will actually need to tell your family how you feel. However, as time goes on I see them looking at you as unreasonable. I met a guy right after I left my husband of 25 years. I think Ill share this post with my siblings and mother so they get an idea of the hurt and damage being done. The person we thought we knew as our son-in-law changed into an alcoholic, lying, manipulative, and narcissistic creep. I hear my father say to my ex, I dont care what my son says, you will always be a part of this family. I feel sorry for your unfortunate children and any other unfortunate soul that gets close enough to have their positive emotional vibrational frequencies out of people. I get that he is her husbands brother but she embraces his girlfriends when they come to her house. He started going around to every family who would listen Lying making his story mine and I had no idea until I got some strange comments and reactions from some of my family. check out, "13 Ways You Know He's Loyal and Loving You" He abused me, she saw marks he left, so to hell with her. I feel for you and pray that someday the truth comes to light. But such extreme violence and other behavior isnt so easy to forget. I am in the same situation! I invited my family and my sons father. When i got divorced my ex got onto FB(which he had never shown any interest in) and friended my brothers sisters bils sils neices nephews anyone that he could so they could gather round him and support him. Why cant he live his own life?!? He is the father of five of their grandchildren/nieces/nephews. It kills me to this day that just because we got a divorce his family turned on me. I feel you. I think that once you are in a family through marriage, its impossible to just walk away.. As if friendships and emotions were adjustable by the use of a piece of paper and a light switch. What bothers me the most is her parents behaviour. You are no being unreasonable. One night we had some drinks . Oh i am sorry about that it is heartbreaking. They became good friends. But dont let it split the two of you up or spoil your move. Bless you and stay strong . These posts confirm my feelings. You are v welcome because it has taken me 3 years to really understand how toxic these kind of people are with many periods of tears and self doubt and I think that says it all. I wish my family knew how much hes hurt me and my kids over the years being absent my daughters entire life (until she turned 23!) Like a lot of people here, same situation. While his ex may genuinely like his mother, she also genuinely still likes your boyfriend and is hoping for a reconciliation. Also, who knows if they get back together? Him have custody of your family invited to my former in laws away me... Out i gave him 30 days to move and take any furniture he might need describe is..., why dont they mind their own business and leave my ex own?! Was so difficult, why dont they mind their own business and leave ex. Blood or otherwise, treat me badly & i was excited until i learned that they were moving into house... 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