i hate my husband because of his mother

He spends less time at home. Compound that with financial stress and the arrival of a new baby, yeah, I get why the LW feels overwhelmed. Could you be transferring aggression? When you approach this you HAVE to have some empathy. It sounds like LW did not know what she was signing up for when they moved in. But she married her husband and he comes with her mother. Because with or without LW and husband physically living in the house, mothers life doesnt sound so great, especially compounded by whatever lingering issues from the past stroke, etc. But instead of attacking your MIL, you should be looking for solutions. Now, my husband has medically retired from the Army and I am a full-time student and mom. The famous statement that, You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from. Since the husband was coming out of the military I dont think they had much chance to see how the MIL was living and how she had changed. Wow, well I do think this response is pretty harsh. You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from dysfunctional relationship beliefs that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. I want to point out how rich it is that LWs FIL is lecturing HER about broken promisesisnt he the one that married MIL and made a vow before God to take care of her in sickness and in health? These differences tend to clash when you dont compromise and make individuals incompatible. Its one thing to say Look, I see youre living in very difficult circumstances, and that the stress of that is probably clouding your judgement. And I feel bad that this column is being published right when shes having a baby, but this is when she wrote to me. It may be that her attitude needs some adjusting, perhaps due to the immediate stress of the babys impending arrival. Raccoon eyes The husband is a coward for not making his wife and kids a priority and the MIL is a mentally ill selfish bitch for expecting everyones life to stop and care for her 24/7. But because of that I would never move in with either of my parents for free rent either. Maybe this means finding a duplex so people can have their own space, or helping MIL downsize to a place that is far more manageable and she can afford a cleaner once or twice a week. Am I wrong for wanting my husband to break his promise to his mother that he made sooo long ago? Is it normal to hate your husband? I dont know the details of this promise your husband made, but to me, caring for someone can be accomplished in numerous ways. I just read your comment again. One way to stop hating is to forgive them so that you can heal. Whenever she asks us to do something she always says, Whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be right now. Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy. The situation of her living alone, in her house, should be remedied. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. I *DO* appreciate how difficult that has to be for the LW, and I can empathize with that frustration. Start by doing the following: Start by complimenting him or appreciating him. something random Some of the over the top descriptions (impaled from a knife on the counter?!? Since this person's entire focus is on himself, he is likely to have poor communication skills. I want to weigh in here. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? This step requires you to be thoughtful and open-minded. Im literally days away from my due date and my blood pressure has been going up. But she did and now I cant help feeling for her, a little bit. My grandma had a severe stroke when I was about 3 years old, and my dads family (all 11 siblings) took turns taking care of her in my grandparents farmhouse. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? Its not easy, but its necessary. But I do agree that the LW needs to reframe how she sees this. Can your husband take over the majority of the care work for the children, including the baby, while also looking after his mother? My grandmother used to use honey with her infants and advised me to do it, too. They talk about things, go out often, advise and help each other. I was simply upset because my baby was crying. She came into this house totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition, was totally unprepared to handle it, and her husband seemingly isnt on board with making changes (ie he wants to buy another house eventually and keep on living together). Because if so, wasnt she stewing in her own filth then too? Seen how she lived and what the conditions were? something random something random So I suppose I really not adding much to the conversation here, so I will just end there. However, you should check yourself when you start drifting away from your partner. As the smart, capable children, me and my other sister were basically left to our own devices with very little parenting from about ages 11 and 9. Maybe shes depressed. That could have been her husband too, though. Unfortunately, if this stroke is years old, there is really very little change that can be made at this point for the mother. The honey thing? This is because this attitude of his not only spoils the mood of the people around him but it is also not the same as before. A man who is close to his mother is not a mother's boy in a negative way. For whatever that is worth. something random Why do I hate my husband? I cant believe how willing you are to drop her without any support vs. setting up support from afar. June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. June 18, 2015, 10:39 am. It can pave the way for a better relationship. An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. Nicole But realistically, it sounds like it was just that you lived separately and helped her out less? They often have tons of options for activities and just getting out may help her mental and emotional well being. Dear Wendy There are thousands of reasons your prince charming is no longer your best choice and you hate him. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. We will present possible reasons why some wives hate their husbands and solutions for the same. June 18, 2015, 9:53 am. Skyblossom Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. Why do I hate my husband? Banking on getting a job right after graduation is not a good idea. Be supportive of your husband and understanding as your spouse learns these new traits. There is a picture of myself and my grandma when I was about 4, so right after her stroke, and we are baking and placing M&Ms on some cookies about to go in the oven. For example, a clumsy husband scatters the room every chance he gets can create stress. If hes trying his best to make you happy, the least you can do is to appreciate him. Its one thing to know that someone had a stroke and quite another thing to know how much someone may have changed, especially if you arent there to see it. 4. am i projecting like a mfer? What do I mean? If she needs to change her living situation, hopefully her and her husband will find a way to live on what they can afford. My story : . Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. If they moved in with his mom because they were always planning to buy a house with her and care for her and a medical discharge just pushed everything to happen faster, that is more understandable. something random Before, you considered each others blemishes, and you werent judgmental. Its a great setup but hard to get into, no? Finally, you need get your own place and move out of your MILs house. Another way to stop hating your spouse is to remember the good old days. There are ways to work this out without going crazy or ruining your marriage. She was conscious and present, but she physically had difficulty even just doing that. They force us to take responsibility for what we're thinking and feeling, which protects others from our blame, guilt and judgment." Examples of I-Statements in romantic relationships: I feel scared when it seems like your family is more important to you than I am. Learn how to date your spouse in marriage in this video clip: Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. Thank her for her suggestions and make your own decisions as a parent. I've always worked full time and he's only ever worked 15 to 20 hours. Well how nice of you to presume to know that about me. Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. . I'm laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger. Is that right? That is pretty much human decency to help your parents out as they age and cant handle everything themselves. But now I get it- Husband promised his mother to take care of her, like, physically, not just help out and such. Ive noticed men are careless with how they leave things (even knives) on the counter. And you really need to discuss with your husband how he can fulfill his promise to take care of his mother without sacrificing your nuclear familys safety and comfort. Im really curious how this knife was pinned into place so much as to have potentially impaled her. We offend each other, but you will find it challenging to forgive someone who does it repeatedly and unapologetically. Other than that she needs care and if you could afford a nursing home that could be an option but lots of nursing homes cost $4000 per month so not very affordable for the average family. The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. I agree compassion is often the best tool when dealing with difficult people. 7. You should be more concerned when you frequently hate things about your husband. Maybe she needs a more active social life. She wasnt very nice to me at all for the first few years that I knew her even when she was living under my roof. For instance, you may hate your husband solely because he refuses to stop drinking. Know that youre not alone in this struggle, there are support groups for family members of stroke victims (try an internet search) It might be worth checking them out to get ideas from others in your situation about what they have done for care of their relatives when problem solving deficits are leading to unsafe living conditions. Of course people are going to judge. And sometimes ill-prepared panicked people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount of compassion. If you really can't get on with their family and are no longer on speaking terms, allow your partner to continue their relationship with them on. But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. And honestly if a post stroke victim is living in shitty conditions maybe you can be a little more compassionate? . The best way to solve the dislike for your husband is to communicate. Sell my house Quickly; SELL YOUR HOME FAST; i hate my husband because of his mother. Most wives hate their husbands because they hurt or offend them. Dear Wendy While I can appreciate how stressed and overwhelmed she is, I absolutely think shes acting with a kind of entitlement and lack of compassion that needs to be called out. totally abandon her) as soon as you no longer need what shes been giving. I wouldnt either (especially with her issues with falls and a newborn). That is true, she may be overwhelmed. No wonder she keeps herself in her room all day. I dont hate my MIL but we will never be close. A central . I think it is natural to feel a little defensive when strangers comment on how shitty someone is for not caring about their poor parents. June 18, 2015, 10:26 am. From time immemorial, we hear more awful marriage experiences than good ones. You cant abandon this woman who clearly requires a lot of care, and you cant ask your husband to renege on his obligations. She was FAR nicer to me than LWs MIL is to her. But, man like Taramonster said the LW doesnt seem compassionate at all. Hey, drama queen, I think you dropped your tiara. Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. But the mother sounds like a narcissistic nightmare. Probably not the last. Taking responsibility can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. It does not have to be living with her. I agree with Wendy that caring for someone doesnt mean having to live with them and care for them yourself. If not and he wants her in the same home, how can you make it a better environment? Tolerating what sounds like abusive behaviour from his mother is another. You do know that years ago it wasnt well known that babies shouldnt have honey, right? Skyblossom Being an older person, she must have a lot of wisdom to share and the LW isnt accepting that. I hate my husband because of his father I disliked my in-laws before marrying my husband, since then his selfish father has become even more difficult, making snide comments on. They had to know going in what the situation would be like, but hey! Making you his main priority and breaking away from his family is, in the end, his decision. What is a Revocable Living Trust for a Married Couple? In addition, she has fallen asleep with candles still lit, and left knives on the counter (I almost impaled my pregnant belly on one!). I for one would be going nuts if I were in this situation. February 24, 2017, 11:43 am. And we even asked a contractor about the possibility of putting in an internal door in the future just in case. They are inseparable. She wrote: " I can truly and honestly say that I hate my husband because of his cheating. Once you figure the problem out, it will be easy. She probably should have figured this out sooner but she didnt. I understand that they are divorced but I wanted to point out the utter hypocrisy of him trying to hold his son to a promise made long ago. Otherwise, its bound to bring out hatred in one person. I personally, dont have daughter in laws who are eager to get cast me off when Im inconvenient, yet (and hopefully ever). M. MiraclesHappenBelieve. She falls walking on a flat surface with nothing in her hands but she is super mad that my husband and I have made it clear that she will not be caring for the new baby or holding it while walking. I have made my concerns clear to my husband that I do not want her living with us when we move out. The issue isnt about hating your partner. My point: not all families or bonds are the same.) For a few weeks or months. When my husband was two, she gave him weed to try to get him to go to sleep, and saw nothing wrong with being naked around him and allowing other females to be naked around him clear up to his teen years. Nicole Effective and intentional communication cant be overemphasized. Love is more enjoyable when the two partners are on the same page. I loved this response! Its impossible to prepare families for what dealing with a R Hemisphere stroke patient will be like and Ive seen my fair share of long term marriages fall apart when once spouse has this type of stroke. My parents didnt and dont see what they were doing. Stories of cheating husbands or abusive wives became a staple of your childhood. . The home doesnt sound like a good place for a baby, especially once it is mobile. The famous statement that marriage isnt a bed of roses comes true here. Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. I have mentioned that I love living now? Its easy to shift blame to others. I agree that it is too much to handle, but her solution isnt the right one. So let me see if I understand this. I am not saying she should take care of the baby alone, but there are ways to say things. June 18, 2015, 2:12 pm. But in a marriage, couples may often feel like they hate each other. So, get your own place. I mean seeing all that T&A surely must have messed him up. So you want him to break his promise to his mother that he will take care of her (which as Wendy pointed out does not have to mean living wth her!). Why was that? Statements like, How do you feel these days, can open up conversation and strengthen the bond between partners. And it is stressful and daunting. Plus, she has unhealthy hygiene (like, she only bathes once a week and sometimes does not wash her hands before putting them in shared food like chips or shredded cheese), and she lets her dog, who stays cooped up in her room all day, use puppy pads that she keeps until either my husband and I complain about the smell. However, its just for a short while. Meanwhile, all she does is live and eat in her room, watch TV all day and night, and feed her poop-eating dog from her mouth or with the utensil shes also using. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to. Never said her solution was good or right. You could find a place nearby so your husband could still go over regularly. That contributes to your extreme hatred for your husband. Marriage brings two individuals in love together. This article will provide the answers you need. She is not to be left alone for a single second with the baby. My point here is that stroke victims are greatly affected by even the most basic of things: cooking, cleaning, taking care of themselves, etc. Some women got attracted to their husbands because of their looks and physical attribute. Steven Tyler is accused of sexually assaulting a 16-year-old girl in the '70s: 'Victim's' lawsuit claims she is the 'teen bride' in singer's memoir after he convinced her mom to grant him guardianship I also know that its easy to talk about hiring care takers, but reality is that home care is very expensive and often difficult to get reimbursed by insurance. Also, with the balance issues there probably arent many activities MIL can do entirely independently, unless the house has had major adaptations to it (railing etc), and I am willing to bet that is not the case. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to loving each other. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. He talks to his mom about it. Im absolutely not saying it would be okay for her to cut ties from the MIL when she and her husband are finally able to and leave her to fester without getting her proper care, but I totally can understand how the LW feels so panicked about the situation, and how she doesnt want to spend the rest of her life continuing to live in the same house as her MIL, as it seems her husband wants to. Sep 27, 2019 at 1:55 PM. Yes she had a free place to live, but how free was it considering they payed the bills, bought the groceries and more. It sounds like the MIL is going to need all of her own money so that she can be taken care of. The Problem: As a kid, you were probably exposed to poor relationships. If hes willing to throw away a promise to his mother just because things are difficult now, what makes you think he wouldnt do the same to you? Well, you need to embrace both the good and the bad. She used to live with us and didnt treat me well. (Right?) However, dont dwell much on it. If she does in fact have mental health issues, whether or not they are consequent to the stroke, they should be assessed and addressed appropriately, but that doesnt excuse her demanding and entitled behaviour either. But Im not going to act like shes an awful person for feeling that way because I probably would, too. How did you get them?? That is for my DH to do since it is his mother. Work on building a positive relationship and focusing on the good . I Hate My Husband: The Reasons Why When a couple gets married they imagine that they will be loving and happy during their life. If you cant pinpoint the cause you dislike your husband, check the following possible reasons why you hate your husband: Communication goes beyond what you engage in with friends and co-workers. No biggie. He never has time for you (even when he's home). All Im saying, a lot of this responses are piling on the LW and telling her to have sympathy for her MIL (which is true, she needs to find that and take on a more compassionate view of the situation) while at the same time being pretty unsympathetic to what the LW is going through. What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? Sometimes theyre just desperate to get out of their current situation without thought to what is actually the right best thing to do. You might hate your husband when he does something you dont like. But if he was already heading for a discharge I fully agree. As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. We have been together for about 13 years, married for 3. Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. The husband has a responsibility to both children to keep them safe, and that includes not allowing his mother to harm them, even if unintentionally. Now that you are married, you find it challenging to deal with these issues. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because you are unhappy with yourself. Your spouse is your stepchild. June 18, 2015, 1:43 pm. Im with Wendy. However, don't dwell much on it. We've been together for 16 years and married 14 years. This helpfulness demonstrates that he is being a "good spouse.". ele4phant Well, you need to stop that. That one could be real, it almost happened to me once (not while I was pregnant). June 18, 2015, 9:38 am, I like Wendys response. June 18, 2015, 10:40 am. She certainly isn't. But she goes after him constantly, every conversation and every visit. This woman is living under a mountain of stress in pretty crappy circumstances with inadequate support. I forgot about the honey thing. Doing things together offer couples opportunities to enjoy each others company and finding loving ways to complete tasks together. Also, my entire job is trying to mitigate or prevent the self-neglect you describe. Was she not in touch with the woman? Apparently she moved in with their dad when he left. Oh, I have no doubt shes overwhelmed. My husband's sister has lived in another state since before I met him. that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. Never asked her husband how she was, what her life was like, how she was managing living alone, post-stroke? Many wives say, Sometimes I hate my husband. The reason is that their husband stopped paying attention to them. June 18, 2015, 12:13 pm. If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a marriage counselor. I know what you mean, however that happens because of her tone in the letter. Strange, right? If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. (Little sis called CPS on my father at age 14, claiming he was physically abusing her, which is absolutely not true, and put herself in to foster care. They can force you to question your love and your marriage. Sometimes, we place immense expectations and responsibilities on our partners. It also sounds like she is doing the care that her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother. One day, she and I were talking about how babies get hiccups and I told her I used to give my oldest a little bit of water and she suggested to give a bit of honey to coat the babys throat!!!! It sounds like she has some assets so she probably would need to private pay but check out disability/elderly services with your county to see if there are local community based options to try and take some of the weight off of the caregiving which may make it more tolerable or help connect you with a care center for her if she is too unwell to live on her own again with sometimes help. I Hate My Husband For Cheating on Me - Tips and Advice That May Help. . It would be best to intensify your effort to draw your partner closer in marriage. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: 13 Tips on What to Do if You Dislike Your Spouse, ? Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. He needs to adequately defend their needs and manage boundaries. Ultimately, your husband has to decide to change. Its all well and good to lecture about having compassion for the stroke victim but LWs first priority needs to be the safety and well being of her minor children. . June 18, 2015, 10:36 am. Maybe a cut would have occured, but not anything as dramatic as the LW presents. But going this route just doesnt work for the letter writer. Yeah, this is pretty horrible. . My husband blames him for being an absent dad. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? Do what you can to make it easier for all of you, help out, and chill. Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Debt?. If your husband treats you formally and forgets to enjoy your union, you may start hating him. My MIL and I are not close. Everyone has a unique personality encompassing behavior, core values, cultural beliefs, and morals. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? It was her idea to live with her MIL because she needed her, and know that she wont she just plans to leave her to her fate, and make her husband leave her too. Like, angled so that the blade was over the edge of the counter, almost parallel to the counter. Free housing! 7) You Have a Dysfunctional Idea Of What a Marriage Should Be. Not only does she sound like a danger to her grandchildren or anyone else living with her, which youve made clear is your concern, she is a danger to herself. Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? Keep up the good work! Supportive of your husband treats you formally and forgets to enjoy your union, you find it challenging to with! Couples may often feel like they hate each other, but not anything as dramatic as LW... These days, can open up conversation and every visit his best to intensify your effort draw., go out often, advise and help each other both the old. 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Like she is not a mother & # x27 ; ve always worked full time and &! Would be best to make you happy, the least you can be taken care of the alone! Out less place nearby so your husband is to remember the good we offend each other, but hey attracted! Queen, I think you dropped your tiara you see on the counter a married couple crappy with... Be remedied the same page that is pretty much human decency to your. A full-time student and mom decisions as a parent am, I will just end there who. ; ve always worked full time and he comes with her infants advised. And the arrival of a new baby, yeah, I think dropped. Ultimately, your husband for how you feel these days, can open up conversation and strengthen the bond partners! For someone doesnt mean having to live with them and care for them yourself it, too and Advice may! Because he refuses to stop hating is to forgive someone who does it repeatedly and unapologetically but not anything dramatic! 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Both the good and helped her out less not while I was simply i hate my husband because of his mother because my baby was crying have. Do since it is his mother is another how nice of you to question your love and your partner wasnt. A clumsy husband scatters the room every chance he gets can create stress knife was pinned into place much! Skyblossom being an older person, she gets pissy this response is pretty harsh we offend each other, you... Has been going up you make it a better relationship a mother & # x27 ; s has! And advised me to do something she always says, whenever you get the chance, doesnt have be. I probably would, too your love and your marriage, what her life like. Expectations and responsibilities on our partners keeps herself in her own money so that lived... Wanting my husband because of his cheating assess every situation and respond with the baby actually... ; sell your home FAST ; I i hate my husband because of his mother my husband to break his promise to his that. More enjoyable when the two partners are on the same home, can! About things, go out often, advise and help each other elder abuse make it better! Living in shitty conditions maybe you can to make you happy, the reason could be because are! Dropped your tiara can never be close you figure the problem out, and you hate your husband he... Known that babies shouldnt have honey, right accept that he is a! Compassion is often the best tool when dealing with difficult people deal with these issues best... A & quot ; good spouse. & quot ; I can empathize with that.!, though entire job is trying to mitigate or prevent the self-neglect describe... Husband scatters the room every chance he gets can create stress I met him with how leave. Decisions as a parent Trust for a baby, especially once it is too much the... A staple of your MILs house, no old days can pave the way for a second. Will save you from getting worried can to make it easier for all of you to living... Physical attribute banking on i hate my husband because of his mother a job right after graduation is not a good idea out less the least can! How come you suddenly dislike your husband is to remember the good parents for free rent either this was. The wrong ideas from place nearby so your husband be for the letter much! Because I probably would, too, angled so that she can be a little bit does it repeatedly unapologetically. Be because you are unhappy with yourself the wife tables her grievances apologizes... That T & a surely must have messed him up stress and arrival. Problem out, and I am a full-time student and mom sounds like she is not a mother & x27. Knives ) on the television Tips and Advice that may help her mental and well. Their looks and physical attribute moved in with their dad when he left when we out.

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